I am angry. I have been angry at myself almost all my life. Now life the gracious(it has been gracious) has given me more to be angry with and also reminded me that it was not all my fault which makes me even angrier. I do not assume anyone will be reading this, i hope not. I needed a way to talk to myself and scream as loud as I could and if this blog could be a way or not i honestly do not know.

I am alive but i do not feel alive. I feel no temptations, i do not feel any love not even hate or despise. I have two older sisters that i would die or kill for but i cannot stop disappointing them to say the least. They worry about me and i do nothing to soothe their worries. May be that is what i survive on or at least hang on to. I would have been long gone if it were not for them. I do not want to keep doing that. It may be best to pull the bandage quickly, for everyone. They will be broken, they will miss me but they are strong and they have their lives with all of its ups and downs and it may be good for me and everyone else too, more oxygen for everyone.